Tuesday, October 9, 2012

One week of melancholy.

A week from today will be October 16, the two-year anniversary of my friend Kara's death.

I bring her up a lot, I know.  Part of it is because for the last two years, I've missed having someone in my life that I tell everything to.  Part of it is because when she died, I had a lot of awful thoughts about "what if it had been me?"  And because I suppose it's only natural in times of shock to think the worst, I thought she'd probably do a better job of grieving or remembering or whatever it is that you go through after a death than I would, and because of that, I needed to be active in accurately representing the place she had in my life.  Both of those reasons are selfish; then again, I guess grief usually is, what with the griever being the one left behind.

Becky, Kara, and Crysal, Senior Week 2004.
The last time I visited her, I slept in one morning while she went to the doctor.  She came back with the news that she was going to need surgery on her knee, and though she was extremely disappointed (this would be the second surgery on that same knee), I watched her push it aside and be cheerful and happy for the duration of my stay.  That surgery, which wouldn't happen for several more weeks, eventually led to the blood clot that killed her.

During that same visit, we took off in her beat-up old car and went looking for creepy places in the Indiana countryside.  We found a (supposedly) haunted train tunnel that she'd been to with some other friends and she handed me her camera to snap a picture of her standing in the entryway.  Then we got lost in the middle of some farmland, and her car almost died, and suddenly I was half-terrified.  Kara, on the other hand, was in her element.  She laughed and laughed and expertly bluffed her way down one county road after another ("This looks right; let's see where it takes us!"), willing her car forward and getting us back to town just as the sun was setting.  I like to think of myself as being at least quasi-adventurous, but Kara was the real deal.  She once traveled across Siberia.  By train.  By herself.  As close to her as I was, I knew her insecurities well, but I also knew that she had a confidence and a bravery that couldn't be faked.  When she wanted to do something, she did it, and she did it full out.

She wanted us to make Post Secrets the last night of my visit, but I was tired and couldn't think of anything, so she made one by herself and was mad at me the entire time she did it.  I'm not sure she ever got over that, actually...  That same spirit that allowed her to climb into a train in Siberia also allowed her to hold grudges and to butt heads with anyone as hard-headed as she was (i.e., me).  But that was part of our friendship:  the way we were honest and open about most everything, including the ways in which we annoyed each other.

I don't regret not sending a Post Secret.  I do regret not somehow stealing hers, because it was sweet and about a boy and so Kara.

The only time I ever saw the picture of her that I took in front of the tunnel was at her visitation.  It was part of the slide show in the room opposite her body, and I almost threw up when I saw it, because it was unexpected, and also because it didn't seem that long ago at all that I had taken it.  And it hadn't been that long ago.  Not even six months.  She didn't look like herself at the visitation and that just made the whole thing more surreal.  In one room, there was a body that used to be my friend.  In the next room, she was grinning back at me, alive and happy and minutes from leading us into the middle of nowhere in rural Indiana. 

Looking back, I can see now how losing her as a friend led to some bad decisions on my part.  I've spent much of the past two years subconsciously trying to find someone to fill the void she left in my life, and yet simultaneously resisting the notion that anyone should replace her.  It's madness.  But now that we're two years out, I think maybe I'm finally coming to a peaceful emotional reconciliation.  She was my best friend during ten of the most important years of my life (18 to 28) and no one will ever be able to touch that.  And yet that won't (can't) be diminished by any relationships I form now or in the future.

I don't really feel myself "moving on" until I start to think back and it hits me how much has changed - how much living I've done - just in the small amount of time that she's been gone.  I also can't overlook the ways in which her death spurred so many of those changes.  Typical Kara.  Even now, she's pushing me to grow in ways no other friend ever has...
College reunion, 2009.

20 comments:

  1. A lovely tribute, thanks for sharing the memories...the good and the tough ones. I'm sure she'd be happy to know she's still having an influence xx

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  2. I am not so good at times like that...or how to deal with death. Nor am I good with grief - probably the worst... but be sure I have your back, from the other side of the pond ;)

    hugs
    Annie Sasha

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    1. Thank you, so much. :) And many, many hugs back!!

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  3. I'm thinking of you and I'm sure Kara is too. x L.

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  4. Again, thanks so much for sharing Kara with us. I just love to hear about her and will always wish I could have "met" her . . just like I have with you. And as far as replacing her . . you won't and you shouldn't think like that at all. People come in and out of your life . . and really, you have no idea how long you would have stayed friends and/or if you would have been close. Now that she's gone, you feel as if she would have been your friend for the rest of your life - and she most likely would have been - but you don't have that crystal ball. I've had friends that I grew up with and knew for 25+ years that were my -sisters- and now . . hell, I don't even have their phone numbers anymore. They went off and got married and I wasn't even invited. Shit . . and life . . happens. And so does death. But damnit -- YOU aren't dead and Kara would NOT have wanted you to keep searching like this. It will happen that you have friends, and maybe one day you'll have a friend that influences you and has a huge impact on you just like she did. But if it doesn't happen, then that's fine too. You will live. No one says death has to end a friendship. You're lucky (as you've said in the past) that you two made up before she passed away. Be glad for that, the years you DID know her, and be happy that she's left you with such a great feeling for her. The good thing (if you can call it that, but I can't find any other words for it right now while I'm typing this) is that . . even though she's gone . . your friendship never came to that end. It will continue. *hugs*

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    1. Leslie, I want to thank you again for your interest in talking about this with me. :) A big part of me having the courage to post this came from you asking about her a few weeks ago. And, as if looking right through me, you have brought up the great unspoken part of all of this, and something that played a very major role in my last trip to Indiana: the fact that things were changing.

      I don't know what would have happened to our friendship. When she died, she had never not been in school, and I was already six years out, and that was starting to become a major obstacle in finding common ground (I very specifically remember a phone call in which she was ranting about an unfair professor and I was distracted thinking about whether or not Congress was going to extend my unemployment benefits and I hung up feeling like something irreversible had shifted). The truth is that I might have gone through a very similar (albeit less intense) pattern of guilt about "replacing" her even if she'd lived.

      In the months before she died, my only two friends in the city of Memphis moved away, and that was when I started going to Breakaway. How much really would have changed if I'd had the option to call her to talk about my running drama as opposed to the way it actually happened? I don't know. Maybe nothing. In fact, *probably* nothing. For a long time, I couldn't admit that, though. Not only did it seem blasphemous, it put me too close to my own mortality...because if I admitted that about her, then that meant that the reverse would also be true, and that must mean that my influence (in general!) was much less than I thought...

      But I think that's the major difference between where I was back in 2010 and where I am now: it doesn't matter to me now! It's like...so what? So what if nothing would have changed? That doesn't negate anything, or make her any less valuable as a person, or mean she was any less of a friend to me. It just means that my life is my own life and I'm the only one who's living it. :)

      I like thinking that death doesn't have to be the end of a friendship! It doesn't, you're right. In fact, I'm much more prone to reminisce about the good times than I'm sure I ever would have been had she lived, and that's just one of many ways that I can be appreciative.

      Anyway, I kind of went on and on there...but thank you, very much, for your wonderful comment (and the impromptu therapy session :D).

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    2. I'm glad that you felt confident to write about her and also glad that somehow I had an indirect hand in prompting you to write about her. You know, if you still have my email address . . you're free to write to me if you want to talk further (and not put it all out there in La La Land). :) I don't mind "therapy sessions." LOL!

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    3. :) I still have it and I just might take you up on that. :)

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  5. How can I top what Leslie said!! Well done Leslie :)

    I dont know what it feels like to loose someone so close, I can only begin to imagine. In some ways I feel like i knew Kara too because she did play a big part of your life, and of course in your blogs. I know that you are very strong Becky, and she'd be proud of you :)

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    1. And it still disturbs me to think of what you were going through, while I was getting married...

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    2. I still can’t believe it was all the same day. In my calendar, I’ll always have the two anniversaries right next to each other...

      Despite being on the opposite side of the earth, you were a pretty damn incredible friend to me during that time, Sam. You were on your way out the door for your honeymoon, and you didn’t hesitate at all to write me…AND to put up an ISJ announcement when I couldn’t do it myself. I will never forget that. I’m lucky to have you in my life. :)

      (And so is Mark! On a much, much happier note, an early HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to you both!!! Thanks to the two of you, at least I have something happy to celebrate that day, too. :))

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  6. Huh, I dont remember doing thaton ISJ! What a whirlwind few months that was, for both of us... But I do remember your ISJ post about me getting married and its still one of my all time favs! (although I cant promise that if Jake still rocked up at my door "claiming" me that I wouldnt think about it, it might just have to be a 2 for 1 deal haha)

    Find some quiet time tomorrow (or the next day whatever if is for you there now) and just reflect on all the good stuff. Take notice of any butterflies you feel in your tummy... thats her, shes with you :)

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    1. Thank you, Sam. :) It was yesterday (I know our days always get so off!) and I got through it. And amazingly enough, Kara's brother and his wife had a baby yesterday, so there's now something else good to celebrate on October 16. :) That makes me happy.

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  7. Tons of hugs! <3

    I'm in your pocket!

    (and I do hope I've explained that expression to you before, cause otherwise this is really weird...) Anyway, my thoughts are with you, that's what I'm trying to say. <3

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    1. Thank you, Malin. :) (And yes, you did explain that expression to me, although right now I can't, for the life of me, remember what we were talking about when you did! But I know what you mean, and I thank you for it. :))

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  8. (((((((((((((Becky)))))))))))))))

    I'm sorry for being soo bad at commenting! And I realized I never did on this post, either. Which is an utter shame. So I'm doing it now, wayyy later. Anyways.

    All the hugs in the world!! Thinking of you, always!

    <3

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    1. Thank you, Jess!! Tons and TONS of hugs right back at you!!! Miss you, friend!!!!!!!!!

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    2. Miss you, too!!! SO much!!! I've said it a hundred times before, but an e-mail IS coming your way!! Sooner than later, hopefully. You know me.. ;) HUGS!!!!!!!

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