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Monday, June 10, 2013

There's a Drought at the Fountain of Youth

Oh, friends.  Your esteemed author has, in the immortal words of Green Day, fallen “off the wagon, and I’m hitchin' a ride.”

I have, you see, allowed myself to be sucked in.  Sucked in and spit back out.  Roughed up and left to wallow.  I have, to my great personal disappointment, let myself – given myself permission to – be drawn into a darkness I thought myself long rid of:  the darkness of other people’s shit at Breakaway.

Let’s just say it’s not a good start to one’s weekend to be drunkenly crying at the Slider Inn over someone you realized back in March was probably not a good idea.  A friend of mine was talking to me later in the weekend about how sometimes people come into your life and looking at them is like looking into a mirror. And because of that, they oftentimes wind up being the people you learn the most about yourself from.

If only I wasn’t the sort of person who needs to be hit over the head with something a dozen times before it sinks in.

I have been drinking too much, I have been feeling insecure, and I have not given myself the mental and physical rest that I know I need.  I have, in essence, temporarily reverted back to the person I was two years ago, and that’s neither a coincidence nor acceptable.

These are times of transition in my social circle.  We have a lot of people moving away, a lot of couples breaking up, and the midtown Breakaway itself (my home base!) is about to move locations, which will change both our running routes and our post-run activities.  But I think it’s all good.  I think we need a change.

I think I need a change.

And I think that a month ago I was right to look at my night at the Slider Inn as the end of a chapter. It was closed then.  It actually closed before then.  This isn’t me anymore.

I’ve got other things to be spending my time on.  Back on the (figurative) wagon I go.
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4 comments:

  1. AnonymousJune 11, 2013 at 7:56 AM

    ah well, becky, I fall off the wagon every 12 hrs aka for the most of the waking part of any given day ;)
    you prob do a great job...

    I am cheering you on BIG TIME

    Annie Sasha

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    1. Becky HeinekeJune 11, 2013 at 8:58 AM

      Aw, thank you so much!!! I am terribly, terribly hard on myself...but I'm thinking you might have some personal experience being hard on yourself, too, so you probably understand where I'm coming from. :)

      Thanks for being supportive, and know that I'm sending my support right back at you! Onward we go!! :D

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  2. AnonymousJune 13, 2013 at 8:41 AM

    Chin up !!!! I am sure I don't need to point out the depressive qualities of alcohol ... and what that can do to you while you're ironing out issues inside your head. Most of us have been there and survived, indeed I am currently many months on from a cataclysmical end to a serious relationship. I learned when I was young to go easy on the booze at times like these.

    You don't need to hear all the usual clichés from me across the pond.. just keep yourself busy and know you have enough friends around you, enough going for you to stop you dwelling on the stuff you can't control

    virtual hug for you

    (mark)

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    1. Becky HeinekeJune 13, 2013 at 9:09 AM

      Thank you so much, Mark. :) I run (both literally and figuratively) in a pretty hard-partying group and have been down this road before - finding myself trapped in a cycle wherein there are no activities that don't involve drinking, and the drinking itself leads to unnecessary drama...resulting in the desire to drink more to forget about it. I know that I am a resilient and responsible person; I just need to remind myself now and again that it is perfectly okay to put myself first and take a step back. This too shall pass.

      And, off topic, thanks for all you've done in keeping the FB conversations going while I've totally dropped the ball on that! I sincerely appreciate it...and I appreciate you reading this as well. Thank you. :)

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