Monday, October 3, 2011

I keep thinking about Kara.

I guess because it's October.  So it's time to start gearing myself up for "the anniversary."

I went to this pub crawl tonight with running people and it was fun.  It really, really was.  And yet as I was leaving my apartment, I had this strange thought that this was somewhat of a last hurrah before I "got serious" about reflecting on life and time and all that shit.  "Normalcy" will pick up again after the 16th, but in the meantime, I've got a hard milestone ahead and I might as well stop pretending I don't.

For all the good times - for all the alcohol consumed - tonight felt lonely.  It made me feel adrift.  It made me feel like I wanted to call someone and whine over the phone that I'd been looking forward to something that just didn't quite restore me in the way I wanted it to.

The thing about Kara was that if she didn't want to talk, she wouldn't answer the phone.  But if she'd answered tonight, I would have told her that I've had a hard couple of weeks, a nice couple of running accomplishments recently, and probably a couple too many drinks tonight to be calling anyone.

Sometimes I feel like I just don't know what I'm doing, you know?  I'm just out there.  Waiting for something...