Cheap Beer of the Month Club: Late Again...But Exceptionally Well-Researched!

This month's entry is a tribute to last weekend, which was spent drinking this beer with my family. (We are classy vacationers, we Heinekes.)

CHEAP BEER OF THE MONTH FOR AUGUST 2011: KEYSTONE LIGHT

Gas station or grocery store?  Obviously, no one with even a shred of dignity would be seen walking out of a grocery store with this stuff.  If you are going to drink Keystone Light, you are going to drink Keystone Light that you picked up at a gas station.

Price:  Remember last month when I waxed poetic about 62 cents a can?  SIX-NINETY-NINE FOR A TWELVE PACK.  Depending on your sales tax, there is the possibility that one could hit the high 50-cent range per beer.  THIS is the sort of thing that makes America great.

Swill quality: The swill quality is "high," and by "high," I mean this shit can be pretty tough to drink if you have any kind of discerning palate whatsoever.  (Luckily for me, I don't.)

Packaging/label:  The crappy blue rip-off of the Coors Light logo gets a pass, but only because Keystone is made by Coors.

Shame factor: Oh, God.  It's up there.  The shame factor is WAY UP THERE. 

Overall:  It is physically impossible to get through a can of Keystone Light without, at some point, uttering the words:  "Keith Stone, you're so smooooooth."  For that reason alone, everyone on Earth should drink the hell out of this stuff.

Cheap Beer of the Month Club (Late as Usual)

This one goes out to Scott, whose first impression of me as a blogger was that I was someone who consistently fails to provide Cheap Beer of the Month Club entries in a timely manner.

We're one Friday off this month, but here we go...

CHEAP BEER OF THE MONTH FOR JULY 2011:  MILWAUKEE'S BEST PREMIUM

Gas station or grocery store?  What even is this beer?  Having never had it until this week, I'm guessing it lurks in gas stations in the same place it lurks in grocery stores:  with the underachiever beers in the cheap section.

Price:  $7.29 for a 12-pack (!) (and that's not on sale [!]), throw in a little tax...we're holding steady at 62 cents a can.  SIXTY-TWO CENTS.  Glory be to God.

Swill quality: Heartier by a half than Natty Life, though not strong enough to curb your appetite should you indulge in an apéritif.  We'll give it a passing swill grade of "drinkable."

Packaging/label:  Was this some poorly-performing graphic design student's last ditch effort before flunking out?  Major point loss here for a complete and utter lack of anything notable.  

Shame factor: Er...did you catch the cost of this stuff?  Yeah...

Overall:  A surprisingly solid, almost-but-not-quite-flavorful beer, and to reiterate my comment both immediately above and further above, THE COST.  IS UNBEATABLE.  Ladies and gentlemen, I may have a new fall-back beer... 

Cheap Beer of the Month Club (OH MY GOD, I remembered to do it on the right day this time.)

Oh ho, my friends!  It's that time again, the first Friday of the month.  And that can only mean one thing:  It's time for Becky to forget to put up her Cheap Beer of the Month Club entry.

Well.  NOT TODAY.  Today, I am going to not forget to put up my Cheap Beer of the Month Club entry.  And to honor this accomplishment on my part, our Cheap Beer this month will be a Cheap Beer that holds the special-est of special places in the part of my heart reserved for cheap beer.

CHEAP BEER OF THE MONTH FOR JUNE 2011:  MILLER HIGH LIFE

Gas station or grocery store?  It's the motherfucking CHAMPAGNE OF BEERS.  (Which is to say, you buy it wherever you happen to run across it.)

Price:  $8.49 at Kroger for a 12-pack, so even with tax, you're talking mid-seventy-cent-range per bottle (score!).

Swill quality: It's the motherfucking CHAMPAGNE OF BEERS.  This isn't swill.  This is sustenance for a more fulfilling life.

Packaging/label:  Classy, old-time-y, and rightfully sporting a cowgirl sitting in the moon...or something...whatever, all I know is that the gold on the label matches the gold in the bottle and I like that in a beer.

Shame factor:  Strangely low considering the price.  Purely for experimental purposes, I have admitted my proclivity toward this particular beverage with something akin to hesitation when talking to other beer connoisseurs.  Invariably, I have been stopped mid-apology and reminded that Miller High Life is the (motherfucking) CHAMPAGNE OF BEERS, and thus no apology is needed. 

Overall:  It's cheap, and there are points on the inside of the 12-pack boxes so you can save up and buy merchandise, and it's cheap.  And it pretty much tastes like beer.  One time, someone texted me, "I've got two words for you:  High Life."  And I texted back, "I've got two words in return:  Hell yes."

That about sums it up.

Cheap Beer of the Month Club: This Blog's Least Consistent Regular Feature

Before this blog even existed, I was dreaming up the Cheap Beer of the Month Club.  'It will be so fantastic and catch on to a worldwide audience!' I told myself, when I was feeling particularly delusional.  'All I have to do is review one of the beers currently in my refrigerator [seeing as how all of my beers tend to be cheap] on the first Friday of the month!'

Well, it turns out that I lack the memory capacity to do a regular feature once a month, and so it is that the Cheap Beer of the Month Club is less "of the Month" and more "when Becky Remembers." 

I was right, though, on the point of its popularity:  the Cheap Beer of the Month Club is the only feature that anyone ever asks me about, and it actually has garnered me worldwide attention.  The Bud Light can I used for the inaugural month is currently on the first page of Google image results for Bud Light and thus accounts for (I'm not exaggerating) about 80% of the traffic to this blog.

So even though it's Monday morning and not Friday afternoon, what the hell?  Better a few days late than not at all...

CHEAP BEER OF THE MONTH FOR MAY 2011:  MILLER CHILL

 
Gas station or grocery store?  What's that?  It's in a bottle and not a can?  Fuck yes.  You buy this shit at Kroger, not Shell.

Price:  $4.81 for a six pack, or about $0.80 a bottle.

Swill quality:  This stuff is barely drinkable and last month I admitted to drinking Natty Light.

Packaging/label:  The deceptively classy green bottle, combined with a modern, graphically-strong label, deludes the drinker into believing what they're buying is a solid beer - something more than just lime-flavored water.  For this, I bow down to the marketing department.  Ye hath fooled me, oh wise ones. 

Shame factor:  Let's face it.  You are drinking a beer that will make you look like a girl whether or not you actually are one. 

Overall:  I've had worse.  But most of what I've had is better.  But it's only 100 calories per beer.  But that's only impressive until you realize that there are tons of beers out there with fewer than 100 calories, including regular old Miller Light.  So I'd drink it, but only because I'll drink anything.

(N.B. Miller Chill should not be confused with the infinitely more drinkable - but slightly more expensive - Bud Light Lime.)

Cheap Beer of the Month Club (The Triumphant Return!)

The best thing I ever did, in my life, was put a picture of a Bud Light can on this blog.  It is the only reason that people visit me here who aren't my close friends, or people from ISJ who get bored when I don't post about Jake, or people looking for information on Justin Bieber's hair.

Technically, last week was to be our second club meeting, what with it being the first Friday of the month and all, but SORRY I WAS ON VACATION, and as Club President, I made the executive decision to push us back a week.  In consolation, this month's beer is going to be one of the MOST AWESOME (read:  "cheapest")  of cheap beers EVER.

CHEAP BEER OF THE MONTH FOR MARCH 2011:  NATURAL LIGHT

Gas station or grocery store?  Buying Natty Light in a grocery store is like buying milk at a gas station.  You can do it, but you lose the vital ambiance that completes your purchasing experience.

Price:  I paid $11.79 for 18 of them, plus tax, so roughly $0.71 a can.

Swill quality:  High.  I mean, there's no way to sugarcoat it.  It's like drinking yeast-flavored water.

Packaging/label:  About as much effort went into making the Natty Light logo as went into making Natty Light.  Which is to say, not much.

Shame factor:  Huge.  Even frat boys will look down on you for drinking this shit.  (I wouldn't, though.)

Overall:  Look, it's beer, alright.  And you could drink five of them for the price of a goddamn cup of coffee at Starbucks.  That alone is enough to cover up a multitude of sins...

Inaugural Cheap Beer of the Month Club!

Oh ho, what's that?  It's the first Friday of the month?  Well, that can only mean one thing:  it's time for our CHEAP BEER OF THE MONTH CLUB.  Which I am starting.  Today.  Here's how it works:

1.  I drink cheap beer.  Because I'm cheap.  But...
2.  Not all cheap beers are created equal.  So...
3.  Obviously I should have a regular segment where I discuss the merits of various cheap beers.  And...
4.  If you are cool, then you will drink this cheap beer with me.  Beer snobbery is a luxury of the pompous and the employed, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who are pompous and employed and think they're too good to drink Bud Light.  Speaking of which...

Unfortunately, I sort of forgot that this was the first Friday of the month until, er, this morning.  So I'll just have to go with what's currently in my refrigerator.  Fortunately, what's in my refrigerator is cheap beer.  In fact, it's the most popular cheap beer in the United States:

Yeah, Bud Light.  In a can.  It was on sale this week.  Don't act like you're above it.  Do not even fucking act like you're above Bud Light in a can.

CHEAP BEER OF THE MONTH FOR FEBRUARY 2011:  BUD LIGHT (in a can)

Gas station or grocery store?  I bought this particular 18-pack at my local Kroger, but there isn't a gas station in America that isn't stocked to the gills with Budweiser-y goodness.

Price:  $14.99 for an 18-pack, so, with tax, about $0.88 a can.  (Tip:  A true Cheap Beer Aficionado never pays more than a $1 per beer.)

Swill quality:  With 1 being water and 10 being Guinness, we're at about 4.5.

Packaging/label:  Pretty generic.  There is nothing special about that bold blue aluminum...except that it has Bud Light inside of it.

Shame factor:  Moderate.  Aforementioned beer snobs will undoubtedly look down on you for drinking this, but they're beer snobs.  They have much bigger issues in life to deal with than your beer selection.

Overall:  This is a solid cheap beer, earning points both for being available at literally every establishment in the United States where money changes hands, and for being on sale roughly every day of the week at your local Exxon.  Plus, it has a smooth flavor that makes drinking 7 to 15 of them in one sitting not only possible, but potentially enjoyable.  There's a reason why this is the most drunk beer in America, and I don't know what that reason is.  But I do know that I've had a hell of a lot worse.