Friday, December 30, 2011

2011: At Least It Didn't Suck as Hard as 2010.

I thought I'd take a one-entry break from my usual highly-personal drivel and do a year-in-review roundup that deals with our current culture and my most complaining-est thoughts about it.

Taking a page from the book of Bill Maher, I present my copyright-questionable "New Rule" List for 2012, ten (bitchy) rules for the general public.  

2011:  It Was Cool for a While, but Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Ass on the Way Out

RULE FOR 2012: Stop acting like Justin Bieber is a threat to the music industry.

Long-haired, feminine-looking pubescent boys who sing of puppy love in falsetto voices pop up with military regularity every few years. The only thing more certain than his current popularity is the decline in it that’s coming. Like all former teen idols, by the time he’s forty, Bieber will be backcombing his hair, doing the casino circuit, and producing remixes of his hits sung by his maladjusted offspring. Let him enjoy his moment while he can.
Speaking of which, RULE FOR 2012:  Considering in 2011 a song called (You Look) “Better with the Lights Off” was a Top 40 hit, be thankful that Justin Bieber exists.

RULE FOR 2012: If you care about the daily lives of the Kardashians, you probably don’t deserve to own a television.

And let’s all stop pretending these people are legitimately famous. The Kardashians are to E! what the Republican Party is to Fox News: attention whores who bolster a fabricated, cable-television narrative that appeals to an extremely small sub-section of the American population, and who seem to legitimately not understand that most people think they’re a joke.  Don't encourage them.

RULE FOR 2012: Facebook is not the internet.

Back in my day, the internet was where you went to find out about the world at large. Now it’s a place where you spy on your friends, and your friends’ friends, so you don’t have to do any leg work in real life.

It’s also a place where you try – and fail – to make yourself look good. Oh, you “read” an article on Yahoo? Congratulations on being literate. Oh, you listened to a non-mainstream band on Spotify? Congratulations on me not caring. And for God’s sake stop “checking in” to stores. No one cares that you’re at Wal-Mart. (Except for Zuckerberg, who’s laughing all the way to the bank.)

RULE FOR 2012: Tumblr memes should never be elevated above the status of “inherently valueless and fleetingly relevant.”

Hipster Ariel is five minutes’ worth of interesting. Fuck Yeah Google is good for maybe half an hour. Neither has added anything to society or to your obviously boring life. And while we’re on the subject of Tumblr, let’s all agree to stop calling this a blogging platform. Calling someone’s Tumblr a “blog” is an insult to anyone who has ever taken the time to actually write a blog.

RULE FOR 2012: NBC is not allowed to hire any more daughters of former presidents.

While Chelsea Clinton’s reporting style is more refined than the “fifth grade book report” feel of Jenna Bush Hager’s, neither one of these people would be on TV were it not for their parents. Nepotism does not a good newscast make.

RULE FOR 2012: Stop “explaining” away America’s financial problems with simplistic villains and heroes.

The entire world got drunk on excess and the United States was hosting the party. Now we’re all hungover and trying to clean up the mess we made of everything. If any of this were simple or easy, we’d have worked our way through it already. And if you think differently, you’re a moron.

RULE FOR 2012: When men start having babies, that’s when they can weigh in on birth control and abortion issues.

Until then, shut the fuck up.

Everything about this picture is stupid.
RULE FOR 2012: Just because you have an iPhone doesn’t mean you have to be on it all the time.

So you've got $100 a month to burn on mobile Twitter updates. Good for you.

This is me. Sitting across the table from you. Thinking you're a douchebag.

Buy your way out of that one.

And finally, RULE FOR 2012: Accept it.  Harry Potter won.

Yeah, that's right, Twi-hards. SUCK IT. You can wake me up the day the “Breaking Dawn: C-Section by Mouth” theme park ride opens in Disney World.

And now that I have that out of my system, I would like to send a sincere wish of good luck to the year 2012.  Since the world is supposed to end and all by the close of it, I don't think it's too much to ask that it man the hell up and show us all a good time.



  1. I have only one rule for 2012: Don't be a "gonna-top-every-year-before-me-in-being-badass-ish-towards-nicesmartgoodgirls"-year



  2. Didn't you hear? The world ends in 2012. Top THAT in 2013!!

    Wait a minute . . .


  3. Sasha: AGREED!

    Leslie: INDEED!


    (Seriously, 2011 wasn't nearly as shitty as 2010, but 2012 has EVERY OPPORTUNITY to be awesome. So let's make it happen...)

  4. I dont deserve a tv. whats worse is I actually *wasted* (some would say) download on getting the whole damn show from beginning to end

    ?Yeah, that's right, Twi-hards. SUCK IT. You can wake me up the day the “Breaking Dawn: C-Section by Mouth” theme park ride opens in Disney World."

    This could almost be the B Channels sentence of the year!

  5. HAHAHAA! Sam! I totally thought about you when I put this up! And I knew that you knew me well enough not to take any offense at it (since clearly I say crazy, overtly-opinionated things all the time). Having gotten sucked into other people's ridiculous drama MANY times in the past (I can't even believe I'm admitting this in public, but I was freakishly addicted to Tila Tequila: Shot at Love), I feel where you're coming from.

    And I think that *could* be the sentence of the year! It sums up so much!!