Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Uh oh. It's starting again.

All right, I need to figure out where I went wrong.  Because I was doing so well, right?

Cinco de Mayo was good.  Friday I donated to myself, and Saturday there was a party, which was more than good...

So why is it now that it's Tuesday and I feel like this?

It's like the more I find out, the less I want to know.  So many of these runners...about half, I'd say...they lie.  My God, I've never been lied to so much in my life...

And they cheat.  They harbor malicious feelings.  They're insecure, they're desperate, they're mean.  They're unrelentingly selfish, dangerously self-centered.

They're manipulative, they're unfaithful, they're obsessive, they're greedy, and they're cowards.

They are a group split almost evenly down the middle - those whose presence uplifts me and those who the mere mention of leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth for days.  And they're all thrown together - connected, intertwined, enmeshed so deeply in each other and each other's business that I can't always distinguish who is who...

My track workout this evening wasn't the best ever.  It wasn't the worst ever, either, but I was having one of those (unfortunate) nights where my body wasn't cooperating.  The best nights at track, the more I run, the stronger I feel, despite the tiredness that sets in as the workout continues.

On lesser nights (like tonight), the tiredness is accompanied only by a feeling of weakness.

Except it's an illusion.  I'm not weak.  Not physically, and certainly not mentally.  And it's not weakness to give myself reminders now and then.  That vaguely uneasy feeling hovering just below the surface is a reminder in and of itself:  I want no part of this darkness.

I'm just here to run.


19 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Dude. Creeper. Also, that's, like, the worst shot of me from behind ever.

      (But the thumbs up part was too important to not post it.)

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  2. Pics or it's not true

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    1. Just getting creepier.

      By the way this exchange, right here, sums up what I was referring to above astonishingly well.

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    2. Which part? The bad taste in your mouth?

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    3. Cowardice, for posting anonymously.

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  3. Oh, and to anyone who is reading this exchange, for the record, I have absolutely no idea who this anonymous commenter is.

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  4. LOL ...

    but s/he is in so far right: I think you have a nice body - yep I said body ;) and I'm sure booty too *gg*

    A runners one ;)

    Sasha

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    1. I'm not exactly sure how this entry about me being lied to and feeling like crap turned into a discussion of my backside, but HA, thank you, Sasha! :)

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  5. So are you going to let us in on the details of what you're talking about (re: lies) or keep us in the dark?? The suspense is killing me (not to mention all the crazy variations on this going through my head)!!!

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  6. What Leslie said!

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  7. HEE! I didn't even think about this causing suspense! (Well done on being completely self-absorbed, Becky.) I can't go into specifics, but let's just say that there seems to be an epidemic of boys lying to me to make me think they're saints and of girls lying to me to *also* make me think they're saints. There's been all of this backstage drama with everyone sleeping with everyone else and I had a TOTALLY wrong assessment of the situation because I (gullible as I am) actually believed it every time someone told me that they were faithful to their spouse or that they "didn't hook up all the time."

    I feel pretty silly, actually, because I've defended the character of many people whose character wasn't what I thought. There is also a lot of fakeness going around, with people being nice to my face and then talking relentless shit about me behind my back (although if it's about how naive I am, apparently I have to give them that). From now on, I'm taking everything with a grain of salt. UGH. Drama. ;)

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  8. That's not because you are naive, it's because you wanna belive in the good of people. :) Positive thinking is required here.

    Aaaaaaaand it's their problem if they feel the need to tell you a lie instead of just SJFU o.0
    You know if you don't wanna tell the truth, just don't say anything.

    Sasha

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  9. Next time you should run in a bathing suit. Then post those pictures. From all angles.

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  10. I guess it would all matter if you were related to these people (re: infidelity) or really gave a shit about their fucking habits - and by that I mean literally. Like you said, you're there to run. Ignore the drama, especially since you aren't fucking anyone. Wait . . . you're not . . . are you??? ;P

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  11. Haha at what Leslie Said! *like*. Leslie, mate you're on fire with your comments lately!

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  12. HA!!! No, you're right. I am not fucking anyone, and knowing that I'm one of the few who can honestly say that, and knowing the level of weirdness that I deal with, I can't even imagine the awkwardness that other people go through. (And, actually, that's probably why people tend to disappear for weeks or months at a time...)

    You are VERY RIGHT, Leslie!!!! Thank you for that. :) It's easy to lose perspective and that's exactly why I took a step back earlier this year. I probably should again. :)

    Sasha, I love your way of thinking!! And you're ALSO right, because it's not that I don't notice when things get weird, it's just that I like to believe the guilt-free reasoning that people feed me when I call them out on things. :)

    P.S. I love all of you for putting up with me and for telling things like they really are.

    P.P.S. Except Anonymous, because his/her suggestion is invalid.

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    Replies
    1. Plenty of other places bikini pictures can be taken. Sometimes you don't even have to see the photographer.

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    2. ^^^ That is the creepiest thing you've written yet! (And that's saying something.)

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