I had kind of a rough week last week; each of the major areas of life brought their own unique failures and disappointments sometime between Monday and Friday. It did go up; Friday night, I had a fun night out downtown with some friends. Saturday, I hung out at a lake for a while with a group cheering a friend who was marking her fortieth birthday with the remarkable achievement of running forty miles. But then today, Sunday, I locked myself away from the world and I cleaned.
Right now, in my life, I am feeling a familiar pull of disappointment, mostly in myself, though if I try to logically trace that back to any specific actions/behaviors, I can't. So I don't think it's really me I'm disappointed in, no matter how much I want to take credit for it.
What I think I'm feeling is the dullness that comes from a lack of change. I see so many fun things waiting for me in the weeks ahead (May will be a good month), but what I don't see is the expectation of potential. There are the things I know will happen (the "definitely") and the things I can't possibly know will happen (the unknown), but I can't right now speculate on anything out there that *might* happen.
A big part of the past year or so of my life has been my quest to live more in the moment, because so much of our misery is borne of either dwelling on the past or pining for what happy advancements we will have made in our lives in the future. But I have to say, where I have failed utterly in that exercise is in eliminating my dependence on "maybe." I think I feel frustrated right now because I don't see the maybe in anything. There is nothing to pin my hopes on, no added variable to keep things interesting. What I see ahead is lots of work, interrupted only by rigidly-scheduled frivolity.
Tomorrow I will make an effort to greet the new week with a determination to be more appreciative. I do well with that more often than I don't. But there are times when I can't quite override my own self, and today I thought it was important to acknowledge that this side of me exists.
My apartment has never been cleaner these past few months, and is certainly in top condition after today. But every once in a while, I can't help myself: I long to catch a break of some sort...the kind that will pull me away from my bathtub...
Once again we are in similar places although our circumstances are different. I was going to blog about something along these lines but you are much more eloquent than me. - L.
ReplyDeleteSince you posted this I was thinking about what I could write ...
ReplyDeleteSoooo this is what I come up with: Hope lifes pieces fall back into place like tomorrow. Sending much love :)
Annie Sasha
hope you getting back on track soon, too @coffeecat :)
ReplyDeleteAnnie Sasha
Thanks, both of you. :) I do feel a little better, though not for any particular reason. I think just getting your feelings out there helps and, that being the case, I really appreciate having such a wonderful audience for my thoughts. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Annie Sasha - I hope life's pieces fall back into place, too :-)
ReplyDeleteWhen I have these times in my life I realize that I'm lacking long-term goals . . or maybe one specific, big goal. I experienced this most notably a few years after I finished my Bachelor's Degree. I suddenly realized that all I was doing was getting up, going to work, coming home, waiting for a paycheck, and paying bills. That was it. Even the small goals - like exercising or changing my hair or buying some new clothes - didn't make a difference. So, I decided to take some classes at college again. I immediately noticed the feeling went away. I surmised that my assumptions were correct . . and now (now that I've stopped going for my Master's Degree . . my 99 year old Grampy needs medical assistance and I chose to give up my current pursuit of that so that my mother could use the $$$ instead to try to keep him in his home rather than pack him off to a nursing home) I'm starting to feel those feelings again. I've decided to really try to start trying for the half marathon I *thought* I'd do by this time . . but was sidelined a few years ago when my dad died . . . and I just never picked up that goal again. When bad things happen in my life, I'm one of those people who crawls up in a ball, shuts off the lights, and just wants to fade away. I envy those people who . . when faced with real difficulties . . exercise like nutballs and just grab life and go for it. Maybe you're starting to feel a lack of a bigger picture or large goal to shoot for? Have you thought about doing something like going back for a degree . . or taking some classes? Learn something new . . . a hobby? Pull out that bucket list and start doing some of the things you know you want to do before it's too late.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Leslie. :) I wish you the best of luck with the half marathon!!! You know I'm fully in your corner for that one, and I hope that that, and whatever else you might have going on right now, helps you with whatever feelings of unsettled-ness you might be experiencing in your own life. :)
DeleteYou are absolutely right about a lack of plans weighing on the soul; now that I've had a week or so to let this sit, I do have a plan for each of the three main things that were bothering me when I wrote this. I also am going to take your advice and think outside the box on what else I might want to do to get things going again. I guess life is just going to have these moments, no matter how hard you try to avoid them. It just sucks going through them...but how true that you don't have to just sit there and take it if there's something you can do to change it...
how different people react to - maybe? - the same kind of feeling...
ReplyDeleteI was one to always have big goals, and small of course, and yet none have come true... not even close, instead my life has completely fallen apart - especially this year... I am not even daring to say I hit rock bottom, cause it might spark a new landslide in my life...
sooo my reaction is to not have a goal anymore, I just do what needs to be done
I think it's an extremely valid point that different things work for different people and that there are definitely times when goals *aren't* what you need... Sometimes you need something to work toward, and sometimes you need a break from setting expectations for yourself.
DeleteSorry that things have fallen apart. :( But I think your philosophy of just doing what needs to be done is exactly the right one. :)