Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Facebook Turns Ten, Predictably Acts Like Most Annoying Ten-Year-Old Ever

Facebook, arguably the world's worst universally–used website created by a hoodie fetishist, has turned ten.  In celebration of this, Facebook is sharing a video on its login page of children having tenth birthday parties, all happy and scampering, running out into the ocean and whatnot.  It is a joyous, heartwarming tribute to a demographic that can’t join Facebook as they do the sorts of real-life things that no one is doing if they’re logged into Facebook.

Not to be outdone by his own login page, Mark Zuckerberg published a weepy tribute to his creation on his profile on Tuesday that, among other self-aggrandizing things, offered his explanation for Facebook’s success:  “[w]e just cared more.  […]  We just cared more about connecting the world than anyone else.  And we still do today.”

Yes.  Yes, I’m sure that while vomiting up code for the Winklevoss twins at Harvard, top of Zuck’s mind was how much he cared about connecting people.  Just like how I joined Facebook late in 2005 because all I could think about was making sure I had timely subject matter to write about on my blog eight years down the road.  (No.)

Zuckerberg created Facebook for the exact same reason I created a profile there:  it was something to do.  And look at us now!  All these years later...  One of us used that first step to cultivate a curiosity about the translation of real-world dynamics into online interconnectivity, and the other of us is the inventor of Facebook.

There are some very real and very serious topics I'd like to talk about regarding what's happened in the past decade, but somebody else already wrote everything I wanted to say and then some.*  As such, I highly recommend reading the article, even if some of what's contained therein is deeply disturbing.  No, I'm not talking about the revelation that all of those highly incriminating private messages I've sent over the years may not be private after all...

...I'm talking about the writer's absolutely awful conclusion that I am the quintessential Facebook user.  Me!  I never even post anything anymore, and yet the way I use Facebook is now the way most people use Facebook! 

Discovering that I am "completely normal" and "not special at all" (wtf) is the most terrible thing to come from Facebook yet.

But I guess if there's any consolation to come from all of this it's that at least Facebook cares.  Not only that, it cares more than anybody else.

Well, except for the 2004 version of Mark Zuckerberg, of course.  As his current-day counterpart has been sure to remind us this week, that guy cared so much he did what no one else would:  he gave to the world The Facebook.

ALRIGHT, in fairness to Facebook, the personalized "look back" videos we all got were pretty fun...

These videos were compiled using only things that users shared personally, meaning my video shows a very different side of "me" than my Facebook profile.  In the past few years, I (and lots of other people apparently - see link above) have essentially stopped posting, meaning all of the pictures of me and content on my walls now come from other people.  Perhaps not surprisingly, the portrait I paint of myself (above) is different than the one painted by my friends (my Timeline).  Interesting...

* Thank you for the link, Jamie!


  1. I would like to think of something witty to post. However . . .

    1. I had a whole section in here about how videos now play automatically (thus removing the choice of whether to watch) and how "Most Recent" always goes back to "Top Stories" no matter how many times you switch and other complaints/annoyances...and then I thought, no, I'm not going there because by the time enough time has passed for me to go back and re-read this, all of that will have changed and I'll be complaining/annoyed by other things.

      Sometimes there is no response except no response.


  2. I am sorry to hear that you are "normal" and "not special," however. That's too bad. Hipster Ariel would never stand for it!