Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Jake Gyllenhaal Likely Never to Recover from His Poor Life Decision of Ignoring Me

Jake Gyllenhaal, the movie star best known for being relevant only when I write about him, has a new rumored lady love, Emily DiDonato, a “model,” who is best known for…absolutely nothing, no one cares. (Truth be told, I don’t care, either. I just like to stick Jake’s name in the title line every now and again to see if hits will spike.)

DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.
According to The Wikipedia, Emily is 22, and of course she is, because in the last seven years, I’ve had a crush on Jake Gyllenhaal, and if I’ve had a crush on you in the last seven years, there is a 100% chance that, regardless of your age, you have started dating a 21- or 22-year-old (Jake is a repeat offender since Taylor Swift was 21 when they were going out). (I say “going out” because that seems like what a 21- or 22-year-old would call it.)

Jake, as mentioned in the first paragraph, has suffered from a serious lack of interesting-ness ever since we amicably parted ways about a year ago. Okay, yes, he was moderately pertinent to pop culture again when TaySwift added a dubstep beat to the words of her Hello Kitty diary last year…but that was short-lived.

Essentially, my not caring means he has forfeited the entire rest of his career, because if I’m not around to discuss sock height or deceive French people with idiotic album rumors, then what’s a celebrity to do but try to gain headline space by “dating a model”? (Which is not interesting.) (It’s even less interesting since it’s probably made up.  And if it isn’t made up, it’ll never last, because he’s terrible.)

In conclusion: LEARN FROM THE FAILED LIFE OF JAKE GYLLENHAAL. Never squander an opportunity to have me on your side. Your career will cease to have meaning to the general public, and all of your attempts to regain their attention will be met by radio silence from my end. (Except in this case.) (Seriously, the above picture is what is on his IMDb page right now. That would never have stood in my day. Never.)

Thank you to Kathryn for the heads up on this! ;)
Posted by at 1:43 PM
Labels:

14 comments:

  1. coffeecatMarch 19, 2013 at 8:33 PM

    er . . . Actually I think he looks kind of hot in that picture. He's managing to look indifferent, sardonic, and pissed off all at the same time - Dude!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Becky HeinekeMarch 20, 2013 at 9:01 AM

      Hahaha, I will not judge you for finding his surliness hot! :D

      Delete
  2. KathrynMarch 19, 2013 at 11:01 PM

    The title alone? WINNING. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Becky HeinekeMarch 20, 2013 at 9:05 AM

      Everything anyone needs to know about my current feelings about Jake is in that title. :)

      Delete
  3. AnonymousMarch 22, 2013 at 2:06 PM

    there he is ... lol

    to me he looks OOOOOOOOOOOOLD in this picture and not hot at all - but each to their own or what's it called?

    as I always I am sorry for my absence - life is just a mess - but I do read the mail updates when I get them ... I just don't know what to say - but I wanted to say "Hi" kinda :)

    Annie Sasha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Becky HeinekeMarch 24, 2013 at 7:53 PM

      "To each their own" is exactly the right way to say it, though I'm with you because I think he looks pretty terrible! (And WAY older than he actually is! For God's sake, he's only a year older than I am!)

      And (as always!!) thank you very much for the "hi" and for reading. :) HUGS!!!

      Delete
    2. AnonymousMarch 25, 2013 at 3:09 PM

      soooo, did the hits spike??? x)

      guess after the new news that he got married lately you have to come up with something more intriguing if the spike didn't hit you :)

      He is 2 years younger than me, but on this picture he looks ten yrs Older - with a huge "O" - than me.... O.O

      I have to agree on your answer to Sam - the magic is kinda...ummm less sparkly (to me that is anyway)


      Ummm is suckier even a word??? LOL I have to ask, you know that, because I like it... and would be suckiest the max???

      hugs back
      Annie Sasha

      Delete
    3. Becky HeinekeMarch 25, 2013 at 3:45 PM

      Amazingly enough, hits DID spike! (Even without a marriage report! :D) It wasn't a huge spike, but so far, this post is getting about a third more hits than the past several posts. Damn that Jake. STILL giving me traffic boosts after all these years. :)

      Haha, no, suckier is not actually a word. :D But it totally should be!! (I use it all the time even though it isn't.) And if it was a word, then suckiest would be an even better word...though it most definitely wouldn't describe anyone who has commented on this post. :D

      Delete
  4. S4M985March 22, 2013 at 11:46 PM

    I have been the worst reader and an ever suckier friend.. i havnt visted in weeks (my excuse is that i was on holidays)

    I came over here and i must admit, seeing this pop up on my screen made me truly happy and really regret not coming here more often! How the heck did i miss this..

    Its just not the same anymore is it in oh so many ways

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Becky HeinekeMarch 24, 2013 at 7:56 PM

      Sam, you have so much on your plate right now, I can't believe you made it over here in the first place!!! (Of the two of us, I'm the way suckier friend because I haven't even written to ask how you've been doing. :( I'm sorry.)

      Re Jake, I guess it's a good thing we made as many memories with him when we could because I don't think we're getting the magic back at this point. But man was it fun there for a while... (And also not-so-fun a lot of the time...but always entertaining!)

      Delete
  5. WiwikMarch 28, 2013 at 10:06 AM

    I'm glad I left it to you. I nearly posted something about it, but didn't.

    Spikes galore. I've been attracting readers out of my normal...okay, I lost interest in the middle of that sentence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Becky HeinekeApril 1, 2013 at 9:14 AM

      Well, there really wasn't much to be said about this...but not that that's ever stopped me from saying something before. :)

      (This post is *still* getting lots of hits!!)

      Delete
  6. ClarabelMarch 29, 2013 at 5:13 PM

    Highly amused by this post!

    Quote of the post..."That would never have stood in my day"...you're damn right! What is he thinking? He's completely let things slide since you broke up with him ;) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Becky HeinekeApril 1, 2013 at 9:15 AM

      Hahaha, he's nothing without me! Poor guy...he never knew what he had until it was gone. :D

      Delete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)