Remember the good old days, when life was super swell, and everyone was happy all the time, and the world itself was so nauseated by the collective awesomeness of humanity that it vomited up rainbows and sunshine each morning?
If you answered yes, then you are either a delusional old white man in a position of power in the Republican party OR you remember a time before Facebook ruined Timeline by taking away the six friends box at the top. We here at the B Channel have already lamented the loss of the six friends box in a previous post, but that does not mean we have to stop being bitter about it.
For the uninitiated, the box of six friends at the top of one's Facebook profile has, for as long as Timeline has been in existence, been the subject of rampant speculation and discussion, the main focus being on whether it is possible to discern if someone is stalking you (or vice versa). With the new Timeline overhaul, the dynamic six friends box has disappeared - along with its slightly less interesting eight-friends-box cousin - and been replaced with a static nine box configuration which is basically the dumbest thing ever.
Please allow me to walk you through the last week of my life through the eyes of the new NINE FRIENDS BOX.
Sometime over Easter weekend, my Timeline switched over. My original nine were arranged thusly:
Number 1 made sense; I have exchanged more private messages with this person than anyone else recently on Facebook. (Although no "public" interaction - likes, comments, etc. - which suggests messages are weighted heavily.)
Number 2 is one of my closest friends; we interact accordingly.
Number 3, see above.
Number 4 is my brother.
Number 5 is another family member that I interact with frequently.
Number 6 is yet another close friend. She rivals Numbers 2 and 3 when it comes to interaction with me.
Numbers 7, 8, and 9 are all family members I very rarely (if ever) interact with in any capacity, although all three seemed to get "stuck" in my Top 25 (as discussed in the comments of this extremely exciting entry), and all three are listed as family members on my profile.
So we have six that make sense and three that kind of don't make sense but also don't completely not make sense. (If that makes sense.)
On the other hand, the static nature of The Nine seems to, by default, remove all of the mystery. No one has (yet) showed up briefly and disappeared, no one who wasn't already in my Top 25 has made an appearance, and though I've purposefully increased my interaction with a couple of people not in my Nine, while simultaneously stopping my interaction with a couple who are in my Nine, this has made no difference whatsoever in terms of who the Nine are.
Over the last week, I chronicled every single change in my Nine. Here are the riveting results:
April 1 (one day after original order):
The most interesting thing I can say about the changes is that both times Numbers 1 and 2 have switched, it's been on a Monday. The first switch happened right after I sent a message to Number 1; forty-eight hours later, Number 1 was back to being number one. Today (April 8) I sent a message to Number 2 right after she was bumped up, so I would imagine she'll remain in the top slot now for a while.
Do you see how boring this is? How lame?
WHAT IS THE POINT OF LOGGING INTO FACEBOOK ANYMORE.
There is none. Checking my profile is now like looking into a dark, empty abyss of sad nothingness. I mean for Christ's sake, if I wanted to look at unchanging rows of pictures of my friends, I'd pull out a damn yearbook.
This is no good, Zuck. No. Good.