Saturday, January 31, 2015

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Gentle reader, your faultless author has recently (since the Thursday before last) had to acknowledge to herself (if no one else) that she has been in denial about something in her life that she probably should have emotionally dealt with, oh, two and a half months ago. 

To quote myself:  "Denial.  It's the first stage of grief." 

Anger, stage two, hit suddenly and for no apparent reason a few weeks ago - I was on a walk on my lunch break and all the sudden I wanted to scream at someone (not just any someone, mind you, but a particular someone).  (It wasn't random, either, but I didn't understand until the Thursday before last.  THANKS, INTUITION.)

Subtext:  The things that happen on my birthday...
The third stage, Bargaining, I appear to have skipped over as a time saver (I never understood this stage, #tbh), and now we are onto Depression, everyone's favorite part of the grieving process.  Depression was why I published the previous entry, which was pilfered from parts of an article I was trying to write a while back, but then just couldn't get into (if you're sick of me talking about my goddamned spiritual journey at age 30, join the club - I'm fucking over that story).  I thought, in publishing it, I might be able to delude myself into bypassing Depression and sail straight into the calm, open waters of Acceptance (#stage5), but, as indicated in that very entry, shortcuts never seem to work for crap like this.

I am upset.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like a fraud in all areas of my life, actually.  Above all, I feel stupid.  I am at one of those points where I question why it is I ever thought I could do this "life" thing like a normal person.  Clearly I am not capable.  Clearly I lack even the most basic skills of human functioning.

Clearly I know that I don't truly believe that on any level, so why do I - why do any of us - go through periods when we think it?

I read a wonderful book toward the end of last year called Be Nobody.  One of the most profound things I took away from it was the undeniably true tenet that at all times, everyone on Earth is either in a crisis or between crises.

Right now, Becky Heineke is in a minor crisis of identity and self-worth.  She will prevail, because she's never not bounced back or met a challenge (and she's been up against way worse than this), but in the meantime, she asks that you bear with any overly maudlin blog entries.

I think I need a beer.


  1. Just try and remember that the journey isn't linear :)

    chin up... keep writing those thoughts down !!!

    mark (uk)