Saturday, April 11, 2015

Furious 7: As goes Brian, so go I...

The Fast and Furious franchise, best known for being the sole reason any of its stars continue to have film careers, is something that I LIKE A LOT.

Who names these movies?
When The Fast and the Furious came out in 2001, no one, not even someone with such stunning powers of foresight as myself, could have predicted there would be six-and-counting sequels.  Or that those sequels would metamorphose into a crime-fighting saga with The Rock starring in a government agent role.  Or that the movies themselves wouldn't be sunk by their inexplicable lack of naming convention.

In fact, I - on this very internet! - once decried the third installment as unworthy of existing...


2009:  Fast & Furious (#4) was released.  I freaked the hell out on MySpace about its awesomeness:

...if you poured pure testosterone over an undeveloped film reel, then Fast & Furious would appear spontaneously before you.  It's about 70% virility and 30% stupidity.  Which is 100% entertainment!

2011:  Fast Five was released.  I freaked the hell out on this blog about the trailer that aired during the Super Bowl, and then I freaked the hell out about Dreamboat Paul Walker once the movie was out.

2012:  I bought a car, which meant I had a reason to talk about The Fast and the Furious between film installments.

2013:  Fast and Furious 6 was released.  As is my wont, I freaked the hell out.

Late 2013:  Paul Walker died. :( (I count Dreamboat Paul Walker as number three on my list of all-time movie star crushes.  Number one needs no introduction; number two was Heath Ledger.  Stellar track record I've got going.)

2015 (specifically today):  I BOUGHT A MOVIE TICKET.

Okay, here are my very important thoughts about the very important seventh installment of the very important Fast and Furious movie franchise:

Action shot
Hats off to an incredible job memorializing Dreamboat Paul Walker, and in retiring his character, Brian O'Connor.  I was heartened that between shots of gratuitous sexualization, there was an underlying endorsement of the importance of family, and that Brian was celebrated for leaving behind a world of extraordinarily unrealistic car chases and frequent and brutal hand-to-hand combat so that he might raise his children with the woman he's been faithful to since the day he met her (or at least I think so; it's been a decade or so since I saw 2 Fast 2 Furious so I may be missing something in the canon), despite the minor qualm that "family life" and "having fun" seem to be presented as mutually exclusive options that all men must ultimately choose between, and Brian is the only of the main male characters to take the path toward domesticity, BUT I DIGRESS...


Yeah, this is what I was doing in the theater.  I was analyzing a Fast and Furious movie.  Like it was something that could be analyzed. 

The entire point of the Fast and Furious movies is that they are dumb beyond all measure, with instantly forgettable plots that make zero logical sense and involve special effects so outlandish one marvels at the puerile mind that thought them up.

But I'm sitting over here, like, man, when are we going to talk more about the implications of this lifestyle on the psyches of those who have been invested in it for years...

Holy shit, the day has come.

I've outgrown the Fast and Furious movies.

TL;DR:  Furious 7 - Eh, the first one's still the best.

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