As you know if you read either of the
two entries I wrote
earlier this year about
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, I've been in the market lately for some change. I'm not very happy right now with myself, and I don't think I realized how bad it had gotten until I pulled out my most special of all of my special journals.
It's a book that I only get out once or twice a year, and in it is a list of things that I like. I don't open it often, because if I do it will lose its magic, but when I do get it out and read it, I add to it.
I've been keeping it since 2011, and I only add maybe 35 to 50 things a year. It's usually things like "the color yellow" or "savoring a forgotten memory," but today when I got it out, I thought I would try something new and only list things that I like about myself. I had the goal of writing 30 things that I love about Becky. To my disappointment, it was really damn hard for me to do.
Through this exercise, I learned that I don't like much at all about the way I look. I learned that I don't think that other people like me after they get to know me. I learned that most of my qualities that I deem good I feel should have an asterisk by them. It was very difficult for me not to add qualifying parenthetical statements to most of them. Yeah, I like my creativity (
when I've actually got any). Sure, I like my smile (
but not the overbite that goes with it).
At the moment, I'm being awful to myself. Wretchedly awful. That's a little alarming.
This entry could very easily go down its own wretchedly awful path, but the entire point of doing this in the first place is to
not do that. And also to not turn this into that other thing I'm prone to: making a big deal out of it.
I have some neural pathways I'm going to work on rerouting, and while I'm at it, I would encourage any of you who are so inclined to join me. I'm around a lot of bitching, judging, and negativity every single day in every life that I live. It's not just me; let's all be nicer to ourselves.
Becky, the other day I wrote a great reply, then I accidentally deleted it, then I wrote that I accidentally deleted it but neither post is showing. Anyway, I did read this and I do have a response, but need to gather my thoughts again!
ReplyDeleteArgh, and here I thought Blogger stopped eating comments years ago! Sorry for that, but thank you for responding anyway. :) I'm feeling better now than when I wrote this, but I am still a little mad at the world. (I think that's life! :))
DeleteI think we all do this, especially women. If I wrote my list it would also parenthetical and full of asterisks. And if I wrote what other people like about me I would probably footnote it with why those things aren't true. I am trying to be kind to myself.an
ReplyDeleteAnd I like you, I think even better as I get to know you more.
Thank you, Kelly. :) I thoroughly agree that women in particular are susceptible to this type of self-criticism, and you and I have had some good talks about self-acceptance (on the days when I don't make that awful face at you from my desk...I did it again today, with the apology face!). I'm not sure I've been all that likable the past few months, so I appreciate your comment more than you know. And I like you, too!
DeleteGive yourself a break on the face. It is work, and I don't take it personally. Like zero percent personally. Clearly I am like crazy busy overwhelmed since I like meander by once a week now.
DeleteThank you for not taking personally what is definitely not meant personally. :) We'll get caught up the first weekend in April, in a non-work setting!
Delete