Running with Becky: It's Time for the Bunny Run!

Or rather, it was time last Saturday, which is when I ran my fastest 5k ever!  27:54, which had me finally breaking that elusive 9-minute mark (barely) to average an 8:59 mile.  Too bad no one will ever know this (except people who read this blog) because the race wasn't chipped, and I was toward the middle of the pack, so my time wasn't officially calculated by when I crossed the starting line, but by when the people in the front crossed the starting line.  So my official time was 28:03.

And that, in a circumspect sort of way, brings us to today's topic.

To a certain (alright, extensive) extent I keep much of my personal drama off of this blog; years of writing stupid things in public have made me paranoid.  But I'm going to write this publicly because...well, because I don't care.

As most of you know, I had a bad year last year.  Many, many awful things happened and among those awful things was that all of my friends moved away from Memphis.  I'm kind of a weird, socially-awkward loner type, so it was difficult for me to be 28 years old, taking a hard look at myself, and realize that, like a kindergartener, I had to go make some new friends.

That's how Breakaway so quickly worked its way into my routine.  For one, most runners are weird, socially-awkward loner types, so I was in good company.  Also, there was free beer, and also, my plodding slowness gave everyone something they could talk to me about.  Like, "What's your name?  Nice to meet you, Becky.  Let me tell you how much you suck and then offer you some tips to get faster."

And now it's many months later and I (sort of) have friends again.

The problem with this group, though, is that they all date amongst themselves and there are very complicated undertones of jealousy and competition that span across both the athletic and personal side of things.  Every month that goes by, I learn something new or something else happens and the story gets more complicated.  So far, I have been little more than an outside observer, but even from that standpoint, I sometimes feel claustrophobic, like I'm in the middle of a soap opera and none of the other characters have caught on yet that I'm not part of the drama.

In a couple of different ways, then, despite any burgeoning friendships, I'm not part of the group.  Not really.  I don't run fast enough, I don't wantonly throw myself at every guy who talks to me, and did I mention I don't run fast enough?

I often tell people that I show up to the weekly runs because they keep me humble.  Working at something and remaining solidly bottom-of-the-Bell-Curve at it is not something I've had much experience with; after years of running, I remain slow.  Slower than many beginners.  And a regular dose of humility never hurt anybody...

But a couple of things happened on Saturday that upset me and I'm trying to reconcile why.

First, though I ran my best 5k ever, I was the slowest person of anyone I knew (and I knew many, many people at this race).  That wouldn't have bothered me so much except several of those people ran very similar times, and in comparison to that subset, I was slower by one to one-and-a-half minutes.  So close...  It's as it is every time I show up to any run with this group.  I get faster but they do too.  And I just can't ever catch up.  I can see them ahead of me but I can't get there.  On a logical level, yes, I know that I have plateaued and that is a natural part of the cycle of improvement...but on a psychological level, this seems to be reflective of how my entire life is going right now.  It doesn't matter how hard I work, everyone else is in front of me, just out of reach...

Then, later that day, plans that I had made far in advance fell through in an unnecessarily antagonistic way.  And the same feeling swelled up again.  What am I doing wrong?  Why is it so easy for other people to get together with a friend like a normal person (or run fast, or find a job, or whatever) when for me, it seems as if the simplest things take extensive effort?

First I was bothered by all of this because 'life isn't fair.'  Then I was bothered that I had taken any of it so personally.  I know better than that.

Running is a solo endeavor; it's you moving your body forward.  The successes are as personal as the act itself.  Not everyone has the same abilities and I should be happy that I ran this race five and a half minutes faster than I did last year.  That's as far as my thinking needs to go.

Likewise, see above about runners being weird, socially-awkward loner types.  Sometimes plans fall through.

For as long as I have been going to Breakway's free runs, I've been down.  I've been as down as I've ever been in my life and then I went down even further from there.  I've been flat on my face since the month of August, but there have been a few glimmers of hope these past few weeks which have made me think that maybe, just maybe, I'm finally starting to pull myself together.

As someone who, prior to being down, excelled at most things and effortlessly came out on top more often than not, it's a struggle to rewire the way I think.  But that is what I'm making an effort to do.  I ran a really good race on Saturday and I hope that by the next time I do so, I'm fully able to focus on that and myself, and not on what's going on with everyone else.

And I really need to stop thinking that a lack of constant success means I'm doing something wrong.  So often I'm the one telling others that shit just happens.  I never tell people that "everything happens for a reason" because I don't believe that.  But I do believe that you define who you are by how you deal with what comes your way.  Apparently my biggest problem right now is that I don't spend enough time listening to my own advice...