The Infamous Rhodes Nickname List

Can you blame me for re-reading the memoirs this week?  Never before published in public (and censored and incomplete here), here is The List.  (Did Kara and I ever call anyone by their real name?!)

Rhodes College, circa 2004:

‘80s-Bangs Girl:  She is two years below us and has unfortunate ‘80s bangs.  We would give her the benefit of the doubt, but her hair has remained in the same style for her entire tenure here at Rhodes.

Backpack Boy:  see Slick Nick

Boy Wonder:  see Jesus  

Chipmunk Boy:  Who looks a bit too much like a chipmunk for his own good.  He graduated last year as a biology major, and lived his senior year in the famous Apartment 204 with Satan #0.  He is known for having quite a dirty mind.  

Democrat Girl:  So-called because Kara thought her antics during the 2000 Presidential election were far too adamant.

Eavesdropper Boy:  Who enjoys sitting by himself at the Rat, just close enough to our table to overhear our outlandish conversations.  This was mostly a problem first semester of senior year, Friday lunches in particular.  Since, he has been spotted in the company of none other than Jamie Hulett, who attests that he’s actually a pretty nice guy.

Freaky Trenchcoat Boy:  Who lived on the second floor of EVA and earned his nickname rather honestly.  A junior, his look has changed over the years, and his sophomore tendency to grow facial hair and come to the Rat at the same time as Satan #0 frequently had me giving him unintentional second glances.  Erroneously believing that I was checking him out, Freaky Trenchcoat Boy earnestly returned the favor, and only added to the awkwardness while living in my building my senior year.  He quickly got over his crush, though, when I began noticeably avoiding him.  He twice held the door to EVA open for Kara, despite the fact that she was a good 500 feet away at the time.  He is never seen without sunglasses and, weather permitting, takes every opportunity to don his long black trenchcoat.    

Freshman Boyfriend:  Term first coined by Jordan, who had a small obsession with a freshman during her senior year of high school.  She once again found love with [name removed] her senior year of college, and the freshman boyfriend was reborn.  This boy is the one who, during your senior year, you pick out of the freshman class and giggle over his hotness.  You would never go for said boy because ew, he’s like 18.  Interaction of any sort is strictly prohibited.  Following suit, many in our group chose a freshman boyfriend, mine being Tom Cruise Boy, a Pike/Woolsock combo.  Megan also chose a Pike, but I don’t really know who he is.  Greta’s freshman boyfriend turned into something more (see Freshman Husband), and Crystal’s freshman boyfriend wound up being at least a junior (see Kitchen Bitch).  We’re not sure what his name is or where he came from, but he really, really likes the Lair.

Freshman Husband:  When the freshman boyfriend just isn’t enough, you move to the next level, as Greta did in the case of her freshman boyfriend.  Greta once had the good fortune to actually speak to this guy, which is why Kara was forced to coin this new term.  Sadly, he had to leave Rhodes after one semester due to some sort of academic inadequacy. 

Freshman Little Brother:  see Tom Cruise Boy

Freshman Pike from My Art Class:  Who somehow never got past this embarrassingly clunky nickname.  As a friend of Satan #1, his few antics are recounted in the Memoirs. 

Freshman Stalker (also Headphones Boy):  Who fell in love me on the first Thursday of classes his first semester at Rhodes.  It would be the first and only time I went to breakfast at the Rat that semester.  Thinking I, too, was a freshman, he struck up a painful and awkward conversation which died a painful and awkward death.  I got out of there as soon as possible and, finding that he was going to be walking in the same direction as me away from the Rat, I took a detour to Bellingrath.  Much to my horror, he reappeared after I had rerouted myself, thus again placing us on the same path and adding to the humiliation of the situation due to the obviousness of the fact that I had tried to avoid him.  Though I hoped this would be my last encounter with him, I soon discovered that he and I crossed paths roughly 15-22 times every day.  He was even at the freaking airport as we got ready to depart for London for Spring break.  That also led to an interesting situation, in that I was trying to be nice and ignore him and he insisted on cornering me in a magazine stand, forcing me to say “hi” and unnecessarily grabbing my arm as I tried to get past him.   

He is also known about campus for the fact that he is constantly wearing headphones (thus Headphones Boy).  He wears the same shorts and jean jacket every day, regardless of the weather (except for yesterday when he unexpectedly donned a pair of white MC Hammer pants), and frequently wanders about campus as if he has nothing better to do.  He is not actually stalking me, but I run into him far more frequently than just about anyone else on campus.

Freshman Stalker #2:  Who does not quite deserve the title he has been given, but the name has stuck nonetheless.  I was once standing around after Dr. LaRosa’s Colonial Latin American History class, waiting to go into Dr. Cohen’s Documentary Film class when he approached me.  I was apparently looking a little dejected because he got just past me and then turned around and asked if I was alright.  Stunned, I affirmed that I was fine.  

 “You just look so sad,” was his reply.   

I was slightly embarrassed and confused as to why I was exuding emotions of grief in the hallway when I really wasn’t upset in any capacity.  True, I wasn’t laughing with glee but, as I once said in reference to this very episode, “I’m not happy every single day of my life!”  It was one of those moments which you hope disappears in the annals of time, but, like his predecessor, freshman stalker #2 began to pop up everywhere I went.  He might be gay.  Like his companion stalker, he has a penchant for wearing the same outfit every day:  khakis, a striped t-shirt, and a grey hoodie.   

Fuck-Stick Boy (also Toolbag):  Who was in my intermediate painting class and looks like a serial killer.  

Headphones Boy:  see Freshman Stalker

Hissing Boy:  He earned his nickname after an encounter with Crystal in Burrow Library.  Her cell phone rang and, while rushing out of the library to talk, she passed him.  Apparently not pleased with the disturbance that accompanied the ringing, he hissed at her to be quiet.  Crystal has never liked him since.

Jesus (also Boy Wonder):  Jonathan Hulgan, Megan Pollock’s fiancé.  They began dating at the start of Megan’s senior year and five months later, the two were engaged.  As a strong member (even president at one point) of the Rhodes Christian Fellowship, Jonathan’s religious fervor, along with his long hair and proclivity to wear sandals every day, earned him the title of Jesus.  Also, his disgusting tendency to be the perfect boyfriend warrants him a Boy Wonder nod. 

John the Baptist (formerly Satan #2.1):  Alex, who joined our group of friends after a stint as a marine fighting in Iraq.  Though no amount of space could ever fully convey the weirdness that surrounds this enigmatic figure, he was, at one point, the object of Kara’s affection, thus earning him the Satan #2.1 moniker.  In retrospect, his antics and their relationship were not actually compatible with the predetermined Satan rules.  Megan renamed him on the way to the Rat, keeping the biblical theme but removing the stigma that comes with the Satan name (although he actually probably deserves it).       

Kitchen Bitch:  Crystal’s former freshman boyfriend, who outgrew this moniker by revealing himself not to be a first year.  Crystal and I decided to share said boy when I realized that my freshman boyfriend was really my freshman little brother.  Besides having a proclivity toward the Lair and being a soccer player, we also know this boy to be employed at the Flying Saucer.  His work in the kitchen and his frequent appearance there when we were in the building led Kara to dub him the Kitchen Bitch.  Initially overconfident, I told Crystal that I would reel him in for her.  The result was his temporarily thinking that I was stalking him and thus avoiding me at all costs.  Despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, the Kitchen Bitch may someday rightfully earn the title of Satan #3 should he choose to accept the responsibility (see Satan).   

Library Boy:  Some dude who kicks Kara out of the library when it’s closing.  I know no further details.

Memphis Bachelor Guy:  That inexplicably dorky business man who intermittently emerged from the depths of corporate Memphis to eat lunch at the Rat.  He was so dubbed by Carl, who only assumed his bachelor status.  However, I can confirm that earlier this year he did, indeed, bring a female companion to share his meal.  She looked horribly uncomfortable but stuck it out like a real trooper.  Memphis Bachelor Guy also has been known to bring male friends to the Rat, impressing them with the all-you-can-eat-for-a-ridiculously-low-price cuisine.  He is most frequently seen at lunch (Saturday in particular) and often brings the office with him, chatting on his headset whilst munching away in a solitary corner.  He once ate three seats over from Kara and me (a Saturday lunch) and while he appeared intent on joining our conversation, he never quite made the move.

Rapist Boy:  Who has been known to sexually terrorize the women at Rhodes. 

Red-Headed Slut:  Becky Heineke, so dubbed after an interesting Monday night at Neil’s.  After the traditional trip to the Flying Saucer for Pint Nite, I headed to Neil’s bar along with Kara, who was looking to hang out with a few of her residents celebrating a birthday there.  There was much frivolity and at one point [name removed] (whose birthday it was and who had a tab running) ordered me a red-headed slut shot, thinking it was fitting considering my physical appearance.  She took a sip and then gave me the rest.  Though I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, I am to this day teased about the fact that I took the entire shot in one drink.  Ever since, I have been known to certain residents of third floor Bellingrath as the red-headed slut. 

Rich Young Ruler (also RYR):  So named because his future seems a little brighter than the rest of ours right now.

RYR:  see Rich Young Ruler

Satan:  General term used to describe the object of your affection.  This crush of yours is characterized by occasional obsession and the full knowledge that this person, in some way, is not good for you.  His tempting nature is enough to keep you coming back for more, even in the face of serious misgivings from friends and other acquaintances.  In simplest terms, your Satan is he for whom you go to the Rat.

Satan # -1:  Ashley Arnold’s crush of four years, so named because he predates all other Satans.

Satan #0:  Whom I wrongly assumed to be the original Satan before talking to Ashley.  Because of this, he is sometimes erroneously given the subtitle “The Original.”  The bane of my existence for the duration of my junior year, he is discussed, in detail, in the Memoirs.

Satan #1:  The bane of my existence for the latter half of junior year and my entire senior year.  Possibly the worst of the all the Satans, he was co-named with Satan #2 around the end of first semester of senior year.  For more details than you ever wanted to know, see the Memoirs. 

Satan #2:  Kara’s own personal Satan and object of intense (intense) crushdom during those few months straddling Christmas Break.  Though her eyes have now been opened, he is still well in the throes of admiration, despite dating The Shrew. 

Satan #2.1:  Renamed John the Baptist

Satan-in-Spain:  Greta’s fling from her semester abroad, jokingly named but appropriate nonetheless.

Self-Portrait Girl:  A freshman of remarkable artistic ability who was in my intermediate painting class.  Though there was no denying that the girl was talented, she had the unfortunate tendency to paint herself for every assignment, regardless of the theme.

The Shrew:  A junior with no outwardly remarkable characteristics.  She dated Satan #2 prior to Kara’s attraction to him, and was blissfully abroad the semester the crush started.  Ironically, I often joked with Kara that she shouldn’t get too attached to her crush before Christmas Break because he may have a girlfriend who would be coming back from abroad.  I said this in a highly teasing manner, referencing my own Satan #0 disaster from exactly one year prior.  Little did I know…            

Slick Nick (also Backpack Boy):  Who is humorously in love with Kara.  He, along with Headphones Boy, is known for his tendency to roam the Rhodes’ grounds aimlessly at all hours, though instead of headphones, it is his backpack that he is never without.  He has been seen in the company of Democrat Girl.  Kara once stared him down in the computer lab, though this has not deterred his affections.  He also has a tendency to touch her in situations where touching is not necessary, such as in line at the Lair when he is three people in front of her.  Snort.      

Stirrup Boy:  Who was in physics with Dustin Diez and Kara during freshman year.  He had the unnerving tendency to place his feet in the exact position that a woman might should she have her legs in stirrups at a gynecologist’s office.    

Tapered-leg-jeans Girl:  Who came about her name quite honestly. 

Tapered-leg-jeans Girl’s Best Friend:  Who really needs a better nickname.  There’s no real describing this girl, aside from the fact that she’s sort of a mess and couldn’t ride a mechanical bull if her life depended on it. 

Tom Cruise Boy:  A Pike, a Woolsock, a freshman boyfriend.  Living in Townsend, he was first spotted by Megan, who was struck by his likeness to the famous movie star.  She now insists it was I who christened him Tom Cruise Boy, although everyone else remembers it being her who came up with the name.  It wouldn’t be an issue at all were it not for the fact that he doesn’t actually look all that much like Tom Cruise.  Anyway, though I did find him attractive, he always seemed a bit lost and very serious.  I quickly turned my attraction into a sort of motherly attention and began referring to him as my freshman little brother.  I have spoken to him, in line at the Rat when there was no one to swipe his card and he was unsure of the protocol in such situations.  Our interaction there secured his place in the freshman little brother category, and not the freshman husband category.  He also used to have facial hair and bore a slight resemblance to Satan #0.  He has since shaved and looks like he’s about 13.        

Toolbag:  see Fuck-Stick Boy