Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Milestones

I read a lot of things, and it's amazing, really, how often my reading habits bring me into contact with life advice.  Sometimes it's of the blatant self-help variety; sometimes it's as obscure as reading a work of fiction and learning second-hand Life Lessons from characters who screw up everything they touch.  Damn that Stephen Gyllenhaal.  Lost soul though he may be, he did succinctly brand the entirety of my early adulthood when, in a darkened cavern seven (!) years ago, he prophesied, "It's all about learning!"

Truth be told, for all my public shaming of myself, the more I read, and the more I integrate the things I read into my life, the more I'm starting to think that I'm probably a hell of a lot more together than I think I am.  Alright, so I'm occasionally sad and perpetually destitute.  I also sometimes Google myself or go back and read things that I've written and realize anew that I'm Becky Heineke.  I'm honest and ridiculous and never let fear get in the way of going after what I want.  I've never hit a rough patch that I haven't bounced back from.  I never stop creating, or trying, or hoping, and Lord, even Funny or Die liked that dumb gay cowboy mockup...

I live in an age that expects me to celebrate myself (no one else is going to) and I do...but I also don't.  I reflect often on my insignificance.  I deplore the ego-suck that is Facebook.  I know who I am (a person constantly in the process of figuring out who she is), and I frequently wonder if instead of writing things like this, I should switch back to being funny like I used to be.  

I am about to run a(nother) marathon.  I am about to commemorate the third anniversary of my best friend's death.  I am going to be 32 years old in a matter in months and I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night wanting that to happen already because I feel like I've already wrecked 31 and I'm ready to start over.  But then sometimes I don't want it to happen because 32 means "adult" and what do I have to show for any of it?

This blog just hit 200,000 views, a count I would have once thought laughably low (circa 2006) and later thought laughably out of reach (circa 2011).  That, right there, is life.  You're up and you're down.  You're on top and you're not.

And yet the only thing that matters is where you are in the moment.

Right now, I am here.  I am me.  I'm okay.

And I thank all of you for reading. :)
Posted by at 7:29 PM

8 comments:

  1. AnonymousOctober 10, 2013 at 12:42 PM

    "Right now, I am here. I am me. I'm okay. " <<< and to be able to say that - with all heart and honesty - is probably one of the greatest things a human can achieve.

    I am more a person of making a mistake - and than doing it again, to make a choice out of it... and again sometimes ... you know, just to be sure it is not working.

    Annie Sasha

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    1. Becky HeinekeOctober 11, 2013 at 9:55 AM

      Thank you, Annie. :)

      And you don't give yourself nearly enough credit!! I am the QUEEN of making the same mistakes over and over...that's actually exactly why I go back and re-read stuff I've written so frequently. I need to remind myself of all the lessons that I thought I already learned! :D (You and I are very alike in that we're both pretty hard-headed. :))

      I think you're doing more than okay (even if you don't always believe that!). :)

      Delete
  2. MalinOctober 10, 2013 at 2:03 PM

    <3

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  3. AnonymousOctober 11, 2013 at 8:24 AM

    At least you're contemplating it !!!! Most seem to swan around blasé about everything.... or worse... thinking they are one and never the other.... or vice versa.

    Most people, truth be told are inclined to see themselves as extremes... woe is me.... or the other extremity

    You're fine , your contemplative and things aren't as bad as they seem. Just switch on the news channels once in a while or remind yourself what you've achieved and where you were

    :)

    (mark)

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    1. Becky HeinekeOctober 11, 2013 at 10:01 AM

      Thank you, Mark. :) You're very kind (and I hope you're right - ha!).

      As is likely very obvious by all the many vague and moderately depressing entries I've written here lately, I have felt like I've fallen into a chasm in recent months. And maybe I did! But I know a big part of dissatisfaction comes from comparing your life to what you think "should" be happening and I just keep trying to remind myself, "What is 'should' anyway?!"

      Onward we go! :)

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  4. AnonymousOctober 11, 2013 at 10:06 AM

    Becky, I'm happy to hear you're doing OK.

    I found your blog when I was feeling as uncomfortable with my identity as I ever had. Your blogging has brought me a lot of comfort this year; at a time when most of my peers seem to be doing a good job of finding success in life, it helped me to know that I wasn't the only one trying to make things work out. In spite of any misgivings that you may have, you're also a tremendously entertaining and funny blogger.

    I'm doing better now -- at least on the upswing from my nadir. I'm comfortable again with what I do for a living, and will do what needs to be done to reach my work-related goals. I'm at peace with relationships that didn't work out in the past. I'm ok with who I am again.

    - jst

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    1. Becky HeinekeOctober 11, 2013 at 12:23 PM

      Your last three sentences describe the last few weeks of my life almost eerily. I'm so glad you've found peace, and I thank you for hanging in there with me. :)

      I also want to thank you for both this comment and all the others you've left because you have, every time you've commented, offered both empathy and sympathy, which I have been needing in equal measure.

      I'm very happy to hear that you're on your way back up (hopefully I am, too!) and I'm grateful that me screaming out my frustrations to the internet has been helpful to someone other than myself. I relate so much to your thoughts on everyone seeming to find success (whatever "success" means) while feeling like you're working yourself into the ground and going nowhere...

      But I guess it's true that you never know what someone else's journey is all about, and it's only within ourselves that we find what we need to make peace with it all. Kudos to you for doing what you needed to get where you are, and I hope that life only continues to move upward for you. :)

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