Two years ago, I published a bunch of context-less and phenomenally self-involved quotes from the series of journals I've kept about Breakaway. It's probably my favorite thing I've posted on this blog. Reading through my hand-selected highlights is so much more satisfying than reading the full journals, which are not nearly so eloquent and mostly full of damning stories about me being an idiot.
Today, for no particular reason, I present Part 2. (Here's Part 1.)
JOURNAL THREE, continued
June 26, 2013:
"I'm doing the best that I can. That's all I can do, and I'll get through it."
June 28, 2013:
"It's too much. All of this is too much... (to think about, I mean. I'm not actually cracking up, though I'm sure it sounds like it. I'm just looking for a break from my own constantly-shifting inner narrative.)
July 10, 2013:
"Pull it together, Becky."
July 11, 2013:
"I don't know how people do that - integrate others into their lives like that, so quickly and (from my viewpoint) rashly."
"I just felt so sad. This was sad beyond any surface-level disappointment at who wasn't there. This was mourning the prevalence of mediocrity and the utter lack of comprehension about the bigger picture. I hope to get back to a place of being less judgmental."
"He is standing still. The rest of the world is evolving and moving forward, but he is stationary, and perhaps being left behind in the process. He never moves."
"There's so much good in them, underneath it all, if they could just tap into it."
October 1, 2013:
"It's been quite a stretch since I've written anything substantial in [this journal]. That's because, for the first time that I can ever recall, I've reached a point of no longer wanting to remember the details."
"It's been a poison that's been sapping me for so long I don't know how to find myself to home anymore. I wish I didn't know any of this. I don't want to know this part of life."
October 2, 2013:
"Now they have all three sworn off Thursday runs AND the Slider Inn, all because they experienced that same lingering toxicity."
"He's destroying everything with no regard for the consequences and yet bizarrely hasn't seemed to yet figure out that no matter where he goes or what he does, he'll never escape what's in him."
October 11, 2013:
"I want my headspace back."
November 24, 2013:
"With every week that goes by, I feel calmer - better."
December 9, 2013:
"As I believe I've referenced here before, it's mostly the angst that winds up entombed on these pages. I feel I need to periodically remind myself that the cycles of feelings often have no real rationale, and that I have a tendency to vacillate between thinking I used to always be miserable (if I'm currently happy) or that I used to always be happy (if I'm currently miserable)."
"Writing that out didn't make me feel better, but I suppose I was already pretty okay when I started."
"I think I weathered the storm fairly well."
January 6, 2014
"All of that effort I put into 2013 and all it did was visibly age me."
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For most of 2014, I didn't write, guided by an instinct I have no explanation for (but was real and powerful and sometimes I'd pull the book out and even sit there with pen in hand but, no, it just didn't feel right).
And then things changed all over again.
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November 15, 2014
":'("
"I am aware that, as a human being, I can't help but look for patterns, and sometimes I see them when they're not there (as we all do). So I don't know what my feelings mean. I guess I won't know, not without time..."
"[He] did the seemingly impossible and broke the Breakaway hold. He does not belong in this book."
March 22, 2015:
"I imagine there will be a time in the very near future when I find this entire entry ridiculous, because why would I ever need to write all this out, mathematical-proof style? Except today I did, and I might need to read this again."
"God, it's like a damn onion..."
April 22, 2015:
"Everything's changed, and yet everything is exactly the same."
June 7, 2015:
"[Friend]: What are you going to do?
Me: (shrugging) What I always do."
"Deep breath."
"Strangely enough it was [a running acquaintance], who recently gave me a dose of perspective. She ran an incredible [local race]. People were shocked, but she's been slowly working toward that for years. Nothing was overnight for her. She's just run, and run a lot, and run consistently. And now she's moved into a new category. And I think that's just how things work."
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