Fifty Shades of What the Fuck Am I Reading?

You wanna know why I like Britney Spears?

Because a respectable percentage of her songs are dedicated to challenging other people to man the fuck up.

"Spit it out 'cause I'm dying for company," she says in "Till the World Ends."

"[Time to] be a little inappropriate, 'cause I know that everybody's thinking it," in "I Wanna Go."

"Piece of Me" is the Britney equivalent of Eminem's final battle in 8 Mile (I'm not perfect and so what, asshole).  And "Do Somethin'" (a personal favorite) is exactly the challenge its title suggests; it can be applied to a plethora of scenarios.

In the way that people do, people have done a lot of talking (and writing) recently about what the wild popularity of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy "means."  Much of what I've read on the subject has reminded me of Britney Spears, who can convincingly sell a line like, "When I crack that whip, everybody gonna trip," who can make a number one hit out of daring someone to join her in a threesome, but who also somewhat pathetically mopes around in her real life like the real and flawed human being she is.

The success of 50 Shades of Grey, which tells the story of the unlikely and (supposedly) kinky BDSM relationship between Anastasia Steele (*cough*Bella Swan*cough*) and Christian Grey (*cough*Edward Cullen*cough*), has - according to much I've read - volumes to say about women like Britney.  Women who are now a major force in nearly all corners of the business world.  Women who are in charge of their own lives, who are self-sufficient and successful, but who, at the end of the day, maybe have a secret yearning to surrender completely to a man bold enough (strong enough) to think he could add something to her life.  Literally, it's "hit me, baby, one more time."

Newsweek sold that idea fairly well in the cover story it ran on the 50 Shades phenomenon a few months back.  I hadn't read the trilogy when I read the article - didn't have any desire to - but the article stuck with me.  I started to think that maybe this was one of those things that I should be familiar with because of its influence on pop culture (Vanity Fair reported last month that it's on track to become the bestselling book series of all time)...and that maybe, just maybe, my own inner Britney would enjoy a story about a guy who loves to take control.

So I started to read.

Five chapters in, I was underwhelmed.

Ten chapters in, I was still waiting for it to get better.

Fifteen chapters in, I was wondering if God was playing a joke on all of us in making this story this popular.

I am currently exactly one-half of the way through this trilogy (Fifty Shades of Grey down, Fifty Shades Darker at the halfway point), and here are my thoughts so far (very minimal spoilers below):

1.  This is a Twilight fanfiction story.  Yes, it has been set in an alternate universe, yes, the names have been changed...but nothing else has.  This is Twilight, right down to the piano-playing and the bad weather, except with more sex.  And since no one in their right mind would call the Twilight saga a celebration of female empowerment, that brings us to...

2.  How the fuck did Newsweek (or anyone else) wring out of this that this was somehow a side effect of a cultural shift toward women in powerful societal roles?  That has absolutely nothing to do with this.  This is nothing more (or less) than a side effect of people liking to read smut.

3.  Which, full disclosure, I've read my fair share of.  So I can say with authority that even by X-rated fiction standards, this is pathetically devoid of plot.

4.  And of editing.  Grammatical and punctuation errors are all over the place.  As are gaping plot holes.  (Which, come on, really shouldn't be an issue considering point #3.)

5.  Word and phrase repetition are being redefined in front of my very eyes.  Oh my, this is some lazy writing.

6.  In terms of specific complaints about criminal-level stalker behavior being treated as acceptable, and about a self-conscious and ambiguously bland heroine being badgered into giving up her entire life for said stalker, whom she endlessly feels she's unworthy of because of his physical perfection, please refer above to the fact that this is a series based on Twilight.

7.  In thinking a little more about that, is that even legal?  I thought all those disclaimers on fanfiction stories made stuff like this not possible...

8.  And you know, I wouldn't even care about any of this if it were a compelling story.  I read shit all the time that is terrible on a logical level but entertaining nonetheless.  But this is so incredibly bad.  I don't understand!  There is so much better fanfiction out there!  And you don't have to pay for it!  (For the record, I did not shell over any money for my reading experience.  I am all about sharing my media these days.)

IN CONCLUSION, even though I still have five billion more pages to read, I can't help but pause at this point to grimace at the utter mediocrity of it all.  The story that may someday outsell all other books is just someone's middle-of-the-road fanfiction story, lifted directly from the internet and stuck in a binding.  It's not a cultural indication of anything.  Except maybe that the free market really does place way too much value on blind luck and word of mouth.

Then again, this far into the story, it hasn't really delivered on its kink aspect either, and that might be part of my problem with it.  Christian Grey, the "fucked up" disciplinarian, proved himself pretty vanilla when he allowed himself to be flummoxed by someone as pliant as Anastasia Steele.

It's fine to sell this story for what it is (bad porn), but let's not delude ourselves into thinking that Christian is some kind of token fantasy guy for all the women out there who regularly challenge the posers on the sidelines to "do somethin'"...