BASICALLY, I could be a best-selling spiritual leader.

You don't have to play it down for my benefit:  I already know that when you think "spirituality" I'm the first person you think of.  And now it turns out that YOU'RE RIGHT.

I have, in all seriousness, been reading the hell out of some Eckhart Tolle lately.  Why?  Well, it's difficult to say why I do the things I do...but on a subconscious level, I believe I started out this year with an understanding that my life was unbalanced, and that seeking an outside influence to straighten me out again wasn't the answer.  (For real, all I wrote about for the last six months of last year was, "Oh my God, I was so drunk last night," followed by, "Oh my God, I'm going to be hopelessly vague about a social situation that's upsetting me," followed by, "Oh my God, I'm going to completely freak the fuck out over a minor issue because I've lost all perspective."  In hindsight, all of these examples lead back to me "seeking an outside influence" and, newsflash, it wasn't working.)

So I "looked within" and all that crap (you can also see that in my blog entries...how many "Oh my God, I'm totally 'working through some shit'" posts did I put up in the first months of 2012?).  And you know, I'll be damned if there wasn't something to all that inner peace stuff that Eckhart and so many others espouse (can a sister get a shout-out for Wayne Dyer?).  Just like that, I started finishing books and whipping up blog themes that had been tormenting me for months, and instead of wallowing in top 40 radio, I just listened to Alanis fucking Morissette all the time (because that chick gets it).

And even though I didn't write about it here, I also took a serious step back from the running community (and running in general) for about two months.  I took some deep breaths.  I didn't feel guilty if I took a weekend completely to myself.  In essence, I "came back."  Which was nice, because I like myself enough that I'd hate to ever lose me...

In my last entry, I talked about the creative space and how going into it is a little like leaving the rest of the world behind.  Today I picked up The Power of Now and you know what Eckhart told me?  He told me, "All true artists, whether they know it or not, create from a place of no-mind, from inner stillness." 

Inner stillness.  That's what a good Photoshop buzz is all about, or a hot writing streak.  That's definitely what a good run is all about.  It's not, however, what alcohol is all about.  (Eckhart's take on that, which I see much validity in, is that creativity and other productive activities take you to a level of higher consciousness.  Alcohol creates a similar illusion by dulling the senses, but in reality takes you to a lower level of consciousness, which is why you so often believe yourself to be awesome while under the influence but are almost undoubtedly acting like a complete moron.)  This is not to say that I will be giving up my daily beer any time soon, but rather that binge drinking is a habit I'm at least cutting back on.

Tomorrow, I'm planning to make my return to the Tuesday night track workout.  The last time I was there, I had what any outsider would have called a "great" night.  I even (disturbingly convincingly) wrote about my achievements a couple of days after the fact.  But the truth was much more nuanced than my times might have suggested.  The truth (which I always knew but in the midst of other distractions allowed myself to forget) is that running as fast as you can and running as well as you can are two very different things, and my relationship with running had taken a decidedly unhealthy turn.

And that last sentence perhaps appies to more than just the physical act of moving one's body forward at a pace faster than walking.

Am I ready to go back to the track?  I think so.  Because I think that - for right now at least - I am secure in my understanding that the point is only to run yourself to stillness, and never to run yourself into the ground.

(God, and to think that other people get paid to offer such wisdom.  Where is my spiritual book deal already.)